I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
