woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
