So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
