So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
tell me about the fingering
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