He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
