My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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