$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
