Swine flu. Run for my life!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize