okay pat passed out under dana's car
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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