So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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