how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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