So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
