he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
