if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
