i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
