the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
