you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
