Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
