You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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