Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
