I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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