Where did you get a picture of my penis
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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