You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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