you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
