he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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