I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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