I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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