You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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