I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
