Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
