My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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