I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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