I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
