yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize