counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
