so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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