you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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