I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize