And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
