this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
