i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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