I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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