I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
