I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
