I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
