This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
