Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
