Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
