Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
