if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
