Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize