Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
