Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
