i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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