I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
