4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
