I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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