I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
