pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
